Redneck Lessons (or Observations of a City Girl)

So a few months ago, some friends of mine in Kershaw began my official “redneckification,” an official course of study with courses and everything (I usually don’t know I’m in class until I do something unexpected that they think is cool). My curriculum currently consists of 4wheeler riding (mostly), dirt track, gun shows, shooting, and hanging out. To date, my study notes go something like this:

Don’t call a shotgun a rifle; you will definitely fail the course…and get to…I mean “have to” repeat the course.
A full night of riding requires at minimum two sets of clothes: the ones you’re wearing and ones to change into when you get wet, muddy, or both. Change of shoes optional depending on your personal preference.
Drivers (as opposed to passengers like me) will be honest with you and tell you when you need to get off the 4wheeler for safety…or so they can do some really crazy trick.
Don’t tease your driver about how muddy he is…or he’ll sit on you and squish the mud all over you too.
Cell phones are an essential tool on a ride; not only can you follow the weather and get away from the creek in lighting, you can also upload instant hilarious photos!
Girls will take a shower, do their hair and makeup, and want to look cute for the meet-up and photos. By the time the ride is over, no one cares what you look like.
Kids have some insane ability to stay awake and keep on riding…into the wee hours of the morning.
There are three ways for a passenger to sit: on the back rack (easy while riding, hurts like hell parked), on the back rack with a pillow (little more comfy, but slidey), and in a seat (a little raised up and a little more secure for bumps). In order of preference, I’ll take the pillow, the bare rack, and maybe the seat.
Find a way to wear your hair up, not down. When dry, it’s painful to brush out at the end of the night. When wet, you might as well not even try.
Goggles may look funny, but trust me when I tell you crying from dust and debris flying in your eyes looks even funnier.
Rain just might be the most painful natural event while riding…must be what being stoned (in the biblical sense) feels like. Is there such a thing as rainburn?
Take a snack pack…somehow. It’s no fun to be on an 8-hour ride with a hunger headache.
Trust your driver…and make sure he knows you do. He’ll tell you when you screw up his driving, and you’ll be thankful even if he’s snarky about it.
Ask questions if you don’t know something and want to. And be truly interested in the answer.
Your bra can keep your phone safe from getting rain soaked (at least mine can).
Mud is good…and best found and played in right after a storm!
Don’t play or ride near the creek when there’s lightning.
When your driver has to pee, hold on tight cuz he’s gonna stop fast.
Learn the basic operations of the 4wheeler; you never know when you’re gonna want/need to stop or move it…even if you’re just the passenger.
Ride with a man with a gun; he can shoot the snakes and bad people!
Don’t get your fur up when you’re called out. It’s either in jest so you laugh with it, or it’ll save your life so you’re thankful!
Snakes are bad. Run ’em over now so they don’t bite you later.
Guns fired at night make little fireworks. Get excited and keep shooting for extra credit!
The Monday after a great weekend will hurt, especially for a city girl who never gets a chance to get used to riding all the time. Smile through the pain and think of the fabulous time you had earning every bump, bruise, and scrape!
Be fearless for yourself and careful of others. You know what you’re willing to risk but you can never know how far the other person will go.
I LIKE shooting guns, and I’m not a half bad shot either.
Sooner than you think, you’ll see someone flip their 4wheeler; stay calm and let them freak out if they need to.
Everyone expects Sunday dinner at Mawmaw and Pawpaw’s house, even if they’re not home. Plan accordingly.
Do not expect real mud to come out in the first washing, so don’t dry it ’til you check it.
Sometimes you just don’t feel like riding, so you go to dirt track instead.
The country is the perfect place to just be quiet…no tv, no talking…just sitting together thinking your own thoughts or better yet, none at all.
Food tastes better in the country, even if you cooked it yourself.
It’s easiest to pay someone back in shrimp.
The ride schedule is always Friday and Saturday night at 7; meet at Joey Tolbert’s unless otherwise posted. Sunday and weekday rides are a bit more casually organized.
Sometimes it’s a good thing I ride without my glasses; I can pretend the snakes aren’t there.
Definitely…call the 4wheeler a “chariot” and ask your driver to bring it around; guaranteed to get a call and a laugh 🙂
The best time to go riding is right after the ladies have a sex toy party…yeehaw!
If you improvise a classic redneck solution–such as a trash bag and tape cover when your cooler hinges break–you only get half points for using packing tape instead of duct tape. “My office didn’t have any duct tape” isn’t a valid excuse because you should have had some of your own in the car.
The best archery teacher is a 6 year old 🙂
A pig takes a long time to cook, so be sure to bring roast oysters, bring your bows and guns, sing songs by the fire to keep from being bored.

I’m sure there are more lessons to be learned; I get a few every time I go up to the country for a weekend! I’ll add them as I learn them…and boy, will I have fun learning them!

Off for a Friday night ride in the creek!